Back on the Wagon

I haven't updated in an absurdly long time, but I think you all know how it is (not that this blog has many followers). Life got busy with school and two part time jobs and, unfortunately my thyroid has been put on the back burner since I was functioning like half a normal person. But, as per normal, things have changed again and I have been reminded of the roller coaster that I'm on.

I can't even remember what I wrote last about so forgive me if I repeat anything, but here is what's going on with me:

The fall semester was one of my most difficult to date and I wasn't able to give my thyroid the proper attention it requires. I stopped seeing the endocrinologist that I was referred to over the summer because I didn't think she was doing me any better than my PCP - who can do the same for a lot less money on my part. That said, my lovely primary care doctor's office has seemed to taken on a bit too much than they are realistically staffed for and I haven't been overly thrilled with their care or availability. In the recent past I have begun to display all of my lovely symptoms and upon calling to make an appointment I was told that to see my regular doc I'd have to schedule two weeks out - anyone who has severe thyroid issues like myself is plenty aware of how that period of wait just won't do. So, I scheduled a more appropriate timed appointment (this coming Monday) with an entirely different physician. Maybe I'll get lucky and this one will actually care.

I'm frustrated, and I feel a bit at my breaking point. I need to start studying this information again and get myself back up on the wagon of improving my thyroid issues. I'm worn out and school is approaching quickly, yet again. It seems I have issues every 4 months or so that I need to readdress.

Maybe it will make me feel better to spell out what I really want. Maybe it will give me a sense of what to expect and what not to settle for.

I want someone to care. I want someone to realize that I should not be feeling this way. I want someone to help. I want someone who knows what they are doing. I want someone who doesn't just look at numbers. I want someone to tell me, "No, Rachel, you don't have to feel this way the rest of your life. There are ways to help hypothyroidism and I am going to put you on the path towards that."

Sigh. Maybe someday I will find that. I hope so. A coworker of mine has hypothyroidism and she says that her doc is something incredible. Maybe I will call her tomorrow. Worth a try, right?

Until next time.....

I Define

I'm feeling quite a bit better today.  I can partly blame it on this song, which I've had on repeat a few times today.

Maybe it's because I felt so badly yesterday that I'm as optimistic as I am, because I've found that I tend to do that after low times -- force myself to have better days and such -- but I feel empowered and like I can do this, no matter how long it takes.  I also do not want to allow hypothyroidism to define me.

I define who I am, not my thyroid.

Another Update (and a bit of emotional release)

I've been MIA.  I've been sleeping and when I'm not sleeping I'm usually not at home.  I've slept the entire summer away; 70% of my time is spent in bed.  To top it all off my concentration abilities are failing lately something fierce.

So where are we?  I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease, which I still don't feel educated properly on.  I have goiter (severe swelling of the thyroid) but an ultrasound didn't show any nodules or worrisome areas.  I'm on my fourth week of Tirosint, another synthetic thyroid hormone (T4).

I don't know if it's the right dose for me (112mg), but I still feel like crap.  I have another blood test on the 15th.  Like I said I am still sleeping like crazy, I am still occasionally finding myself in a low grade depression, I'm still having issues with my weight, I'm still losing my hair.

Even though my Armour thyroid obviously wasn't at the right dosage, I feel like I felt better on that then I do ont he Tirosint.

I was also told that I have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), which I also don't know much about at this point, but that's why I have elevated testosterone.  My endocrinologist has suggested going back on birth control to solve my symptoms, but I don't know if I want to do that right now, so I haven't.  My energy is depleted and I'm not feeling even motivated to do research.

I'm considering going to a Naturopath.

Honestly.. I feel so lost right now.  I'm writing this blog with very little idea of where to begin and possibly less optimism at the moment that this is going to get better.  I'm angry, really.  I'm angry because I know who I could be if I didn't have underactive thyroid.  I'm angry because I'm afraid that I'll have to deal with this for the rest of my life.  I'm angry because I don't think many people in my life understand how truly truly awful this is.  I'm angry because I have goals and dreams and aspirations that are being put on hold because of this.  And I'm angry because I don't understand, but who could possibly understand why they have hypothyroidism?  I'm also angry because I feel like I'm letting all of this just take control..  But how can I fight it?  Everyday?  I'm so exhausted of fighting my hypothyroidism.  I'm exhausted of being exhausted, of being tired, of having a lingering depression, of gaining weight, of losing my hair, of not being able to concentrate, of brain fog.

And I'm angry because it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm writing this, when I should be sleeping like a normal person, but because I slept until 2 in the afternoon and lounged and such until 8 in the evening and then finally did a few productive things at 10 at night I'm actually awake by 2am.  Here soon I'll get tired again and start the cycle.  If I didn't force myself to be out of bed I'd sleep all day long, even without the productivity at 10pm or the awakeness at 2am.

I'm frustrated tonight/today/whatever you want to call it.  I'm trying not to whine, or complain, but I just had to let all of that out.  I don't know if I feel better, but I'll sleep and hopefully when I wake I won't be in quite as much as a down mood.  Maybe be more optimistic.

So results from blood letting numero dos returned.  Drum roll please?

I still have hypothyroidism according to the blood work.  TSH is super elevated and T3 and T4 are super low.  And my testosterone is elevated as well.  Weird.

My doctor's office called the other day to let me know.  I expect my results will be coming in the mail soon.

The other point of news?  My doc is referring me to an endocrinologist.  I don't know how I feel about that.  Good mostly, I guess.  Hmm.

I still need to write the post about Synthroid.  I'm having trouble concentrating on writing it.  I don't know why. It's fairly annoying.  And by fairly I mean very.  Sleeping all the time doesn't help.

And So the Story Goes....

I've been off of all thyroid medication for 11 days.  My symptoms have been this way and that, ranging from insomnia (inzombia?) to irritability to chronic fatigue to a low grade depression.  It's been weird, it's been a battle, it's been..  Interesting to say the least. 

As of today I experienced a bit of insomnia (inzombia) last night and slept about 10 hours following, with frequent wake ups.  That said I feel more myself today and the past few days as well.  Yay!!  

I know this isn't necessarily a common experience, and I still want to write posts on hypothyroidism, so bear with me.

One thing I've noticed is that my menstrual cycle is not on quite right.  My last period ended May 17 and I've not had so much as an inkling of it coming again.  So that's something, I don't know if it is as a result of not taking birth control anymore or because that's still how my body is or if that's the hypothyroidism talking.  Only time will tell!

Struggling, a bit

And finally, the results from my June 1 "blood letting" have officially arrived.  I already have been informed that my dose of Armour thyroid was too high and I am thus experiencing hyperthyroidism.  I'm not really sure which is worse, except that at least I lost weight.... My other results came back mostly normal, including cortisol, LH and FSH.  That's where it gets a little odd.  The blood test came back showing that I had elevated testosterone, which, if you read this post you'll understand why having  normal LH levels and abnormal testosterone levels is a bit weird.  Evidently, however, there can be false positives when testing testosterone, so my doc isn't too concerned at this point.  I will have another blood letting on July 3.  That said, my doctor has ultimately decided that we need to find out what my levels are for my thyroid as well as retest my testosterone and such.  He also seems to believe that I may not need thyroid therapy at all.

Yes, you read that correctly.  As of today I am five days thyroid-medication free (I forgot on Monday, what a doof).  I feel like crap.  Of course, I felt like crap before, but this is a different crap that's kind of combined with the old crap.. Sorry about the crap.

I'm really trying to have a positive outlook on this.  I'm hoping that Dr. Singer's idea that my thyroid has figured itself out is correct.  Maybe I'm lucky in all of this?  Maybe my body figured it out or maybe it's been as a reaction to my no longer taking birth control pills (because I haven't had any action and I don't seem to be getting any anytime soon) and iodine painting (albeit, half-heartedly) and eating better?  I have no idea, but I'll keep you guys posted.

In the mean time I mentioned I feel like crap.  I am having terrible insomnia at night.  I lie in bed for hours, tossing, turning, spinning, moving, trying to fall asleep.  But I am also experiencing chronic fatigue.  My body wants to go to sleep when I can't and doesn't want to sleep when I can.  I don't know what the deal is, but I wonder if it has to do with the thyroid roller coaster and I pray that these are left over symptoms that will ultimately choose a side.  I've lost weight but who knows what will happen with that.  I'm very hungry.  I'm cold.  I'm intolerant to heat.  And I'm sad.  That low grade depression is back, folks.  At least at night.  And when I'm not depressed I'm overly happy.  I don't know, I mean.. I've always believed that creative people feel things differently than others, and maybe that's why I'm this way, because I feel everything so deeply.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I'll be back in control shortly.

I'm starting to doubt myself a lot, too.  I feel like I'm making excuses for myself on one side, and on the other that I know that I am not.  That this is something my body is doing and I, unfortunately, don't have control of.

On the plus side, I am not having too much trouble deciding when my thyroid emotions are acting up.  I've been a little grumpy to my family, and they are grumpy back, which just upsets me more.  I kind of feel alone.

I really didn't start this post with intention of complaining, I promise.  But I'm struggling tonight.

Usually these feelings are jump started by something, like asking someone for help and receiving no help.  Like thinking I was on a date and half-way through realizing that, no, this is not a date and that once again I got my hopes up for something that was a purely platonic relationship.

Blah.  Sometimes it helps me to write and see how ridiculous all of this is.

All I can hope, is that someone else with hypothyroidism reads this and understands what it's like, and knows that I understand what it's like.  And no matter how many times your body tells you that you are alone in this, you aren't.

My birthday is Monday and I am just hoping for a good day overall.  That said, I think I'll turn on some good music and clean, and then watch Glee on Netflix.

xo

Pointless, kind of

I'm having a rough time this evening.  I don't know why but I'm lonely and just sad.  Everything was fine earlier in the day, I don't know what changed.  Also feeling lethargic and having trouble concentrating.  I've already been distracted a handful of times just writing this.  Before tonight I've been feeling pretty good, but I have also been fairly busy.  It may be due to bordem.  Or maybe because I forgot to take my Armour yesterday.

Anyway, I recently printed out a bunch of monthly calenders so that I could start tracking my mood and find out if there's any pattern to it.

Honestly I don't really have much else to say, this was a boring post my apologies!